HELP! My College Is In Love With Goldman Sachs!

Heh, look what I found on my college’s website! A bunch of links to Filthy For-Profit Money Machines and Nazi War Profiteers! What’s up with Goldman Sachs, anyway? And what is that weird organization that Wheaton College loves to brag about, 85 Broads?

Seriously: What is 85 Broads?

85 Broads is a global network of 25,000 trailblazing women who are inspired, empowered, and connected.
The “founding members” of 85 Broads were women who worked for Goldman Sachs at 85 Broad Street, the investment banking firm’s former NYC headquarters. Over the past decade, 85 Broads expanded its membership to include women who are alumnae and students of the world’s leading colleges, universities, and graduate schools worldwide. Our members are located in more than 90 countries around the world and work for thousands of for-profit companies and not-for-profit organizations.

Goldman Sachs, eh? That must have been a horrifying experience! I’m sure that these women quit out of disgust and are anti-corporate, free-thinking Feminists now, yes?

Haha, don’t count on it! Let’s learn about the Founder & CEO of 85 Broads, Janet Hanson:

After graduating from Wheaton College and Columbia Business School, Janet joined Goldman Sachs in 1977. In 1986, she became the first woman in the firm’s history to be promoted to sales management. Following her 14-year career at Goldman Sachs, Janet founded Milestone Capital Management, a $2 billion institutional money management company. From 2004 to 2007, Janet was a Managing Director and Senior Adviser to the President of Lehman Brothers.

Wait just one second! Janet Hanson quit her job at Goldman Sachs, and then joined Lehman Brothers?! W-h-a-t?

Wait…does Janet Hanson not know that investment banking is Evil?

Hanson graduated from Wheaton College in Massachusetts and Columbia Business School to join Goldman Sachs in 1977. Janet Hanson thrived in this fast-paced environment. “It was as simple as that: I was good at what I did and I had fun,” she explains. In 1986 Hanson was promoted to co-manager of money market sales and became Goldman’s first female sales manager, then Vice-President and one of the largest producer in the division.

Ha-ha, what? Goldman Sachs is PURE EVIL. And Janet Hanson had fun working for them? “Fun”? That’s not what you’re supposed to say, when you look back on a fourteen-year “career” at Goldman Sachs! Sorry! That’s just messed up!

If someone asked me about my two-year career as an Internet Blogger Person, I would tell them this: It taught me that the world is totally fucked up, and everything needs to change, IMMEDIATELY!

You know what I learned from my two years at Wonkette? I learned that I needed to stop being an entertainer, and start being a writer.

Am I a Writer yet? Hellz no! It will take many more years before I am one of those Writer-people. I’ll probably be dead before I’m a Real Writer.

I wrote for a silly blog for two years, and you know what I learned: THIS SYSTEM IS DISGUSTING.

And I was just doing silly writing on the Interwebz! For a funny website! And I actually did have some fun!

Here’s what Goldman Sachs does for fun:

The bank’s unprecedented reach and power have enabled it to turn all of America into a giant pump-and-dump scam, manipulating whole economic sectors for years at a time, moving the dice game as this or that market collapses, and all the time gorging itself on the unseen costs that are breaking families everywhere — high gas prices, rising consumer credit rates, half-eaten pension funds, mass layoffs, future taxes to pay off bailouts. All that money that you’re losing, it’s going somewhere, and in both a literal and a figurative sense, Goldman Sachs is where it’s going: The bank is a huge, highly sophisticated engine for converting the useful, deployed wealth of society into the least useful, most wasteful and insoluble substance on Earth — pure profit for rich individuals.

Anyway, here’s another “blockquote” full of Goldman Sux Filth:

Once the bailouts were in place, Goldman went right back to business as usual, dreaming up impossibly convoluted schemes to pick the American carcass clean of its loose capital. One of its first moves in the post-bailout era was to quietly push forward the calendar it uses to report its earnings, essentially wiping December 2008 — with its $1.3 billion in pretax losses — off the books. At the same time, the bank announced a highly suspicious $1.8 billion profit for the first quarter of 2009 — which apparently included a large chunk of money funneled to it by taxpayers via the AIG bailout. “They cooked those first quarter results six ways from Sunday,” says one hedge fund manager. “They hid the losses in the orphan month and called the bailout money profit.”

Two more numbers stand out from that stunning first-quarter turnaround. The bank paid out an astonishing $4.7 billion in bonuses and compensation in the first three months of this year, an 18 percent increase over the first quarter of 2008. It also raised $5 billion by issuing new shares almost immediately after releasing its first quarter results. Taken together, the numbers show that Goldman essentially borrowed a $5 billion salary payout for its executives in the middle of the global economic crisis it helped cause, using half-baked accounting to reel in investors, just months after receiving billions in a taxpayer bailout.

Goldman Sachs destroys homes. Goldman Sachs = violence against men, women, and children. Goldman Sachs is violence against Humanity.

I weep for women who admire Janet Hanson.

By the way: Janet Hanson is a former Wheaton College Trustee! And she’s constantly doing Corporate Workshops on campus! I went to one! It was baloney and made my brain hurt! Haha.

Anyway!

Janet Hanson was interviewed about the firing of Morgan Stanley Executive Zoe Cruz. Here is what Janet Hanson said:

In the debate over Cruz’s firing, some say her subordinates were responsible, and some argue that Mack should have taken the fall. Some say Cruz deserved to lose her job, although there was something disturbing in the way she was so singularly blamed. “It’s grotesque to pin this all on Zoe,” says a former Morgan Stanley executive who happens to be a man. “She broke the rules in the boys’ club. She got promoted over all the boys. They want to prove she was never up to it when it all crumbles.”

Wall Street women, by and large, were not surprised. In tough financial times, female executives tend to be the first to go. “In a bull market, women are fine,” says Janet Hanson, a former Goldman Sachs executive who runs the women’s networking group 85 Broads. “When the shit hits the fan, these guys probably don’t even trust each other. Could you theorize that more women get chucked when things start going deadly? They sacrificed her.” [Emphasis Added]

“In a bull market, women are fine.” What? No they’re not! Nobody is “fine” in a bull market! Have you lost your mind?

Seriously: Boo-hoo? Are we supposed to feel bad that a nasty, only-for-profit corporation fired some sell-out lady? Is that supposed to make us feel sad and outraged?

If you work for a crappy, soulless investment bank, you’re part of the Problem, not the Solution! Are investment banks sexist and awful? Are investment banks evil money-making scam machines? You know it! So why the heck are women working for these banks, anyway? Do women enjoy finger-banging the working/middle class in the anus, while they make a bundle of money? That’s not Feminism! And that’s nothing to be proud about! That’s something that should keep you up all night, while you try to cry yourself to to sleep. Seriously. Please stop with the “boo-hoo” and realize that investment banks don’t care about the world, let alone sell-out women!

Of course investment banks are sexist and don’t care about women — they don’t care about anyone. It’s just about $$$$$$ for them!

Stop. Trying. To. Be. Them.

Feminism is suffering, and trying to stop the suffering. Feminism is struggling with the Big Questions.

Feminism is not “investment” banking! Feminism is definitely not Goldman Sachs, or Lehman Brothers. Feminism is not for-profit Evil. It’s the exact opposite! Feminism is fighting against corporate sell-outs like Janet Hanson.

If you look back on your fourteen-year career at Goldman Sachs and say, “I was good at what I did and I had fun” — instead of saying “that place was full of assholes! Goldman Sachs is full of evil cock goblins!” — you’re doing it wrong.

And by “it” I mean EVERYTHING.

Don’t admire Janet Hanson and her $$$$$. Pity her. Poor woman.

Feminism is about Human Dignity. Wheaton College is about Corporate Nothingness, and $$$$$$$$$.

Pity that poor institution.

This is a good video to watch, if you work for a Corporation/Soul-Sucker/Goldman Sachs! Here are the lyrics:

Why does it hurt when my heart misses the beat?
The man without shadow promises you the world

Tell him your dreams and fanatical needs.
He’s buying them all with cash.
Sell him your soul
sell him your soul
sell him your soul

Never look back
never look back.
Sell him your soul
sell him your soul

Never look back
never look back
never look back – sell him your soul
He’s devoted to the devil fascinated by crime

Glamorous death is his destination – eternal passion his gain.
Sell him your soul
sell him your soul
sell him your soul

Never look back
never look back

Sell him your soul
sell him your soul

Never look back
never look back

Sell him your soul
sell him your soul
never look back.

Why does it hurt? – Why does it hurt?
He’s a satanic gambler with you just the fool
And you’ve already lost the chance of your lifetime.
So don’t be a fool – don’t be a fool.
Kein Zurueck fuer dich – there’s no way back
sell him your soul.
Don’t be a fool – never look back.

Tags: 85 broads, endless war, evil corporations, fascists, feminism, goldman sachs, janet hanson, lehman brothers, morgan stanley, nazis, peace now please, wheaton college